The day started with two sweet cups of tea in bed, heaven. Brought to me by a half woken bear who struggled downstairs to let the dog out at silly o'clock for a Sunday (husband Ricky).
Then, I had promised my family a big brunch with all the trimmings for eleven, so started preparing at nine, feeling motivated and well on track. The late risers were slowly dragging themselves of their beds and I was talking to my eldest daughter Jade on the phone.
The day was looking good, the sun was shining and I was ready to take the dog for a walk but that's when I dropped my phone into a sink full of bubbly water.
Now my phone in the last few weeks has been attached to my face. With messages, calls, updates and replying to emails I needed it to be okay. The advice I was given by my ten year old was to place it in a bed of rice and I can't thank her enough!
Within four hours the phone was working with no problems at all!
So, a trip to shop with Ricky and the dog while everyone was getting ready seemed like the perfect step out of reality. It was lovely and I treasure every moment I have away from the house. Thanking the universe for giving me this life, with my family.
On our return we then stepped into robot function and made a very large brunch for ten people. Sunday mornings at mums is like a a cosy cafe. Copious amounts tea, 24 sausages, fifteen eggs and three packs of bacon later they all had stuffed bellies and I stared into my slim-fast milkshake.
That was not easy. The smell of cooked breakfast filled my nose before a waft of banana milk with obvious lumpy bits (can anyone whip those out?) sat on my tongue.
Going back it started around the time my mum was diagnosed with cancer. I turned to food for comfort and managed to put on two stone in just under two years. Mum called it the peri-menopause. Haha.... I was not going to accept that! It was a distraction. I'd spent those last twelve months of her life planning my daughters wedding and eating like never before.
Mum passed away four days after the wedding and I lost my best friend.
I was angry with myself. For four years I had practiced mindfulness, learned to walk away from people who caused me pain and stopped watching TV but gave it all up at a sign of weakness. I was eating like a pig while bossing Netflix series with any private moment I had.
Something had to give. My clothes didn't fit, I was wearing sizes at least four bigger than I needed to just to hide the monstrous body forming around me. My IBS was in overdrive and I couldn't cope with feeling like rubbish anymore.
Something had to give.
Slim-fast worked for me. I took it for six months and lost a stone. I cheated a little when we went out for birthdays but overall I was doing okay but that was until....
My brother was then diagnosed with lung cancer and given months to live. I couldn't take it anymore. We didn't have the best relationship but it hurt so much! He'd asked to see me and we cried. Cried for past, cried for the children he has and cried for the future we wouldn't have. I was sorry, he was sorry and after each day of visiting him I would eat. Eat anything, two of everything. I was in pain and the pain of seeing him and holding his hand drove me to food for comfort.
The weight piled back on and when he passed away it took another twelve months to get myself together again.
So here I am....staring down the glass of slim-fast because my will power to eat healthily just doesn't work for me. I know I'd always want more. If I open my belly for food it won't stop wanting, and the wanting hurts. Wanting to eat, wanting to build a business, wanting to make my family happy, wanting to find more time for me, wanting to get more exercise, wanting to get back to being me again, wanting........wanting to see my mum. To say that I love her. One last time.
That's where it all stems from. Willpower, and sometimes it's there and sometimes it ins't, but today, today I'm doing okay.
Stay strong, stay mindful, stay lovely.